MOMMY! IM A BIG KID!

Karma is hating me lately. Normally I have good karma. Maybe it isn't karma and just shitty luck. OR I am a magnet for these people. Maybe all of the above? I want to go into the fitting room, cover my head with some random towel, cry, and make believe that I am on an island owned by me. You guys are probably thinking that I am over exaggerating but removing play dough from a coin slot is serious business... especially when you have other morons hovering around the counter acting like they need something.



Play dough in a coin slot is something new to happen to me. The kid put a quarter to the dough to get a print on it and decided to put it in the slot. The kid thought that it was real currency. The mother praised the child and I scolded the mother. If you picture it, the mother should scold the child and I ignore the mother but the scolding and praising worked the other way. I spent 2o minutes cleaning out the fuckin dough... I hope the kid creates a donut and chokes on it... That is a mean remark but really, after a long day I am allowed to make such statements. I pointed out to the mother several times what her child did and many times I let out a heavy sigh. Every time I sighed she told her kid "its okay, it was clever for you to try it out. It is trial and error." I felt like telling the damn bitch "so if I kick you in the ass and I THINK you wouldn't fall face down but you do, that would be trial and error right?" But alas, I did not. I kept thinking *patience is virtue and in the end, it will be worth it*; however, my patience was being tested today by customers, co-workers, and family. Oh and after I cleaned out that gunk, I go over to the kid, get on one knee and tell him "what you did, was not nice and you could have damaged the machine. Don't do it again." The mother now scolded me... I should google a parenting class for her....



Next up!



All day customers were hovering over the counter and looking at the items (which is soap) that we sell. I would ask them "may I help you?" and they would say "no, I'm just looking." EXCUSE ME PEOPLE! THIS ISN'T WINDOW SHOPPING OR WINDOW DECORATIONS! IT'S FUCKIN TIDE!!! TIDE!!! THE CRAP THAT YOU PUT IN YOUR DAMN CLOTHES!!! What else can you possibly be looking at?! Half way through the day, I did take a walk to the other side of the counter and took a look to, to see what these people are looking at. Just as I suspected... IT IS TIDE! JUST LIKE LAST WEEK, LAST MONTH, AND EVERY OTHER DAMN YEAR WE HAVE SOLD THIS STUFF! After a couple of customers doing this, I questioned this one lady. She is a nice lady with an old fashioned mentality so I was being nice to her. Nice people deserve niceness -nods- So when I questioned if she needed something, she said "oh I'm just looking." I questioned further "what are you looking at?" and she said "the soaps". I was still confused so I questioned further... "what about the soaps?" and she replied "I'm trying to see if they are all the same and if there is a difference between any of them." Trying to remain calm and not break brain cells, I said "but we only sell Tide. That is the only non-chlorine detergent we sell... everything else with the exclusion of Clorox 2, will stain your clothes." She said "So Tide and Clorox 2 are the same"... "No ma'am, they are different... C2 is bleach for colors, you can add that in with the Tide if you want." She just stood there. I asked her if she wanted any of it and she just said that she was still looking -face roll- WHY!?!?!?!?


From that I learned to not ask them if they want anything and to just leave them there until they ask for something.

THEN I had a customer ask me for a ten and two fives. I gave him exactly that and he was arguing that I stiffed him on a five dollar bill. I was pointing out that he had a ten dollar bill in hand as well as two fives... after 5 minutes, his wife comes over and she agrees with me. He started to apologize to me and offered me a drink to which I replied very fast "NO!"

... I am terrified of my customers buying me beverages now... why? Well, sometimes they lead to questions such as "will you marry me?" or "do you want a boyfriend?" and "want to web chat?" -cries-

As for family, I went to pick up an uncle and he just wouldn't shut the hell up! My dad and I would just ignore his questions sometimes but his mouth would still go 100mph! GAH! If it is karma, DAMN YOU!

"BOBBY BROWN IS MY DAD"

I used to have a customer that would come on a weekly basis to our laundromat until she moved. She has two daughters and one of them must have been sick in the head. Actually I diagnosed her as a pathological liar. She never liked me because I would catch her on her lies but she had a thing for my co-worker. As a matter fact, I was glad she didn't like me because then she would be glued to my hip like she used to be with my co-worker. I remember one of her "lies" was that she was a child model and that everyone wants her for their shows. I inquired about what kind of shoes and what she modeled. She answered me with the typical child response that we all have said once in our young years and that is "it's a secret and I can't tell you." I am guilty of that but I didn't go as far as saying that my mother is in some secret service thing. She said that along with "it's so secret that they don't even know it is secret." I would have asked her mom if I could keep her for a week and psycho-analyze her or something... kind of like being my own lil' test subject. I would compensate them with free laundry for a month since that is the only thing I could have afforded then...

Anyways, one day she started singing that her dad was Bobby Brown and that Bobby had so much money that he would come and pick her up from her apartment. According to her the only reason she lived in the projects was because her dad, Bobby Brown wanted to protect them from the media. As she was continuing to sing the tune of "Bobby Brown is my father", the following question slipped out of my mouth... I thought it was an internal monologue but nope... she was annoying me and the following managed to slip "Your dad is a crackhead?" She stopped her singing, looked at me, and said "IM TELLING MY DADDY ON YOU!". I was tempted to say "You can't do much with a crack spoon" but I let it go. Obviously the girl isn't sane. -sigh-

We all imagine stuff. When I was little and Clinton was in office the first term, I used my pillow and pretended I was dancing at a Royal Ball or something. We have all imagined people or being something else... but I would never choose a famous crackhead to be my father.

I haven't seen the family since and I am 90% sure they moved. The mother was a health care nurse and the oldest daughter was in high school. The young one annoyed me and I would imagine tripping her on her rollie shoes or whatever the hell they are called.

Point is, don't go around singing that your dad is a famous crackhead... you will get a response like mine and eventually get bit in the ass for it but karma let me slide I guess.

DEAR TEACHERS,

Dear Teachers,

A new school year has begun and first off, good luck. Second, please teach these kids how to count and use their noggin. I know you are trying your best and the Excedrin is handy in your drawer but please, drill into their brains that FOUR QUARTERS= $1 and that you can't get half a dollar without getting the whole dollar in quarters. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TEACH THESE CHILDREN THE NECESSITIES OF LIFE!!! Kids do not need to know about Pluto not existing anymore, hell majority of them will hate Science. Teach them math, this way my life would be easier too.

Thank you!

Today I had a 10 year old and a 11 year old come in at two different times and neither of them knew how many quarters they needed... nor how many quarters a dollar gives you. How do I know the ages? I asked. Of course the first question was "aren't you supposed to be in school today?" The 10 year old gives me a $10 bill and asks for two fives. I explain to her that the change machine was out of order (once again) so I would have to manually give her quarters. This is how the convo went:

LG: How much in quarters do you need?
Cust: I need two fives.
LG: Okies, but the machine is out of order so I need to give you quarters here.
Cust: Five dollar bills.
LG: Machine out of order. Quarters here.
Cust: Um, I don't know.
LG: Well, how much were you going to put in the machine?
Cust: Uh -smiles nervously- um, five dollars.
LG: You have a lot of bags, are you sure?
Cust: Yes.
LG: OKay, here you go.
Cust: NO! I need ten.
LG: Is your mom here so you can ask her?
Cust: No, but I need 10 in quarters.
LG: Ok. How old are you?
Cust: 10

Alrighty... After she put her clothes in the washer, she blasted her ipod and sat down. I felt like shoving a book in here face. The 11 year old was just as bad. She didn't know how many quarters she would get back in a dollar so she thought I was cheating her when I gave her four quarters. I asked if her mom was around and she said no. Mind you, when I was questioning her, she didn't know how to respond to some of the questions and of course she blasted her iPod.

Dear Parents,

Please stop giving your children Mp3 players when they don't know simple math. In addition, please escort your children to the laundromat because they lack the common sense that they should have for their age. In addition, I might choke them due to the fact that I am explaining something to them that a three year old knows. May I also suggest that you shove a book in front of your child's face and if they have an allergic reaction to it, let them suffer.

Thank you!