DEAR TEACHERS,

Dear Teachers,

A new school year has begun and first off, good luck. Second, please teach these kids how to count and use their noggin. I know you are trying your best and the Excedrin is handy in your drawer but please, drill into their brains that FOUR QUARTERS= $1 and that you can't get half a dollar without getting the whole dollar in quarters. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TEACH THESE CHILDREN THE NECESSITIES OF LIFE!!! Kids do not need to know about Pluto not existing anymore, hell majority of them will hate Science. Teach them math, this way my life would be easier too.

Thank you!

Today I had a 10 year old and a 11 year old come in at two different times and neither of them knew how many quarters they needed... nor how many quarters a dollar gives you. How do I know the ages? I asked. Of course the first question was "aren't you supposed to be in school today?" The 10 year old gives me a $10 bill and asks for two fives. I explain to her that the change machine was out of order (once again) so I would have to manually give her quarters. This is how the convo went:

LG: How much in quarters do you need?
Cust: I need two fives.
LG: Okies, but the machine is out of order so I need to give you quarters here.
Cust: Five dollar bills.
LG: Machine out of order. Quarters here.
Cust: Um, I don't know.
LG: Well, how much were you going to put in the machine?
Cust: Uh -smiles nervously- um, five dollars.
LG: You have a lot of bags, are you sure?
Cust: Yes.
LG: OKay, here you go.
Cust: NO! I need ten.
LG: Is your mom here so you can ask her?
Cust: No, but I need 10 in quarters.
LG: Ok. How old are you?
Cust: 10

Alrighty... After she put her clothes in the washer, she blasted her ipod and sat down. I felt like shoving a book in here face. The 11 year old was just as bad. She didn't know how many quarters she would get back in a dollar so she thought I was cheating her when I gave her four quarters. I asked if her mom was around and she said no. Mind you, when I was questioning her, she didn't know how to respond to some of the questions and of course she blasted her iPod.

Dear Parents,

Please stop giving your children Mp3 players when they don't know simple math. In addition, please escort your children to the laundromat because they lack the common sense that they should have for their age. In addition, I might choke them due to the fact that I am explaining something to them that a three year old knows. May I also suggest that you shove a book in front of your child's face and if they have an allergic reaction to it, let them suffer.

Thank you!

NUMBER 3

I remained silent for this one until she walked all the way to the back.

-Customer walks in and ignores what the back looks like.
-Customer proceeds to open washer, still ignoring her surroundings.
- I go after the customer.

Me: We are closed for maintenance.
Cust: Oh shit! ahahahaha
Me: Yeah, there is a sign on the door when you walk in and two more signs on the store window.
Cust: Hahahahah WoW... when were you guys closed since?
Me: Since today and only for today.
Cust: Well shit. Okay.

Dear Customer,

Please remove you headphones and relieve your ears from the blasted music. By doing so, you will be able to acknowledge your surroundings and not make a fool out of yourself. In addition, please read before you enter a store that looks like a war zone.

Thank you.
Sincerely,
Your local laundromat

-faceroll-

Seriously though, with the week and a half notification, I really thought I would be proud of people and that I would not have anyone walking in. My great expectation for today regarding humanity has been destroyed.

LAUNDROMAT CHARM SCHOOL

Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen!



Today's blog will educate you in Laundromat Etiquette. Hopefully, you will take all of this information given to you at no cost and consider it for when you enter your local laundromat. Please be advised that by reading this, you will further advance your manners and reduce the numbers on your bitch meter and douche-baggery meter. Please note that all this does not apply to some of you and if it does, then crack your thick skull open and absorbed the following:



1. Thou shall greet. We do not expect you to smile when you enter but a reply to our "hello" would be nice. I know some of you that are hipsters or think you are from the early 1900's have a constipated look on your face, so we will omit the smile, but a hello wouldn't hurt you.



2. Thou shall not be a slob. Upon entering the laundromat, do not throw your stuff around the location. It is NOT your living room and I will NOT clean up after you. As a matter of fact, go grab a laundry cart or two and store your belongings in there. At the same time please be aware that I am NOT responsible for your belongings and for a simple fee of 19.95 and hour, I will protect your belongings. Actually, I won't. I just felt like saying that.



3. Thou shall think. Before coming to me about your problems, see if you can solve it on your own. Example: I put the quarters in the washer but it wont start. Why is that? A. do I need more quarters? B. Is the washer door closed? C. Is the washer lock latched? D. Let me go ask for help because I am a complete moron. Most likely your answer is D because you refuse to use what is left of your brain cells and you want everything done for you.

4. Thou shall try. Majority of us LOVE to paint/draw/look at pictures. If you don't at the adult age that you are, I bet when you were young, pictures made you "happy". Well, when in doubt on how to retrieve quarters from the change machine, look at the picture. If you cannot figure it out, then please go buy a coloring book and start from square 1 level 1. It will further advance your knowledge and you will graduate to the next level of not irritating the owner or employee at your local laundromat. *Please note, this rule also applies to closing a washer door and latching it. All washers provide a detailed picture*

5. Thou shall not lie. I can catch you when you are lying. Employees at other laundromats know when you are lying. We just patronize you so you could leave us alone. Majority of the laundromats have cameras. We see what is going on and we can easily solve a case when needed. Do NOT use another currency for the washers. We will catch you. When we do catch you, do not lie. Again, there are cameras. We let you off easy by fessing up, giving us our CORRECT money, and allowing you to leave peacefully. I do not know how other laundromats operate but I assure you, they do NOT want to be filling out paperwork. So... DO NOT LIE. FESS UP. YOU ARE GOOD TO GO. Oh and if you have the courage to show your face again at the scene of the "crime", be nice or we will be on top of you until you leave.

6. Thou shall keep my hands to myself. This one speaks for itself and pretty much anyone can and may relate to it (anyone in the serving industry). Please do not touch my ass. Compliment if you want. I will ignore you. But touch my ass and you will get smacked. It has happened and the individual got smacked. Threaten to call the cops? Again, please come to full realization that there are cameras installed and I WILL WIN. Go ahead, grab my ass but at the same time, make sure you have a death wish.

7. Thou shall explain. Explain what you want and need. I do not have the ability to read minds. If I did then majority of the problems in the world would be solved. I am not a psychic either. If I were, I wouldn't be in a laundry. god gave you a mouth. SPEAK!

8. Thou shall be prepared. Having stuff ready for me to expedite the service. The faster I serve you, the faster you will go wherever you have to go. I give you a pink slip... STORE IT IN A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN FIND IT. Also, please don't fold your slip into a very small square. It is extra work for me and I will hate you forever. I am not a person to hate but I can and will make some exceptions.

9. Thou shall respect the property. A wise man once said "an eye for an eye".... sit on my table or surf in my laundry carts and I will ridicule you or cut your legs off. Wanna try me? Go ahead. Majority of the time I am NOT in a good mood because of stupidity... chances are, you will get your legs chopped off or I will tear you a new asshole.

10. Thou shall not talk on the phone. Actually, talk on the phone all you want; however, DO NOT TALK TO THE PHONE WHILE YOU ARE ASKING ME SOMETHING. It is rude. Many people do this and I go back to doing what I was doing. It is irritating and I will tell you to get off the phone. You want to be served properly? Well then respect me and get off the phone. I will NOT wait for you to finish and I WILL take the next customer. You don't like it? Too fuckin bad. Get a clue.

ATTACK OF THE HIPSTERS

First off, yesterday was pretty crazy... from dealing with customers to having a family member die. May he rest in peace... it was time for him to go and sadly, he had to suffer before he found peace.


Last night, I specifically told a customer that I will be closing early due to the family situation. He said he understood and that he would be out before 9pm. He was out by 9:05pm. Why? Well, his hipster friends decided to waltz in and try to take over the laundromat. Not over my dead body though (no pun intended... an inside joke related to the family death... oh never mind...)! I swear these three individuals looked like they came fresh from Williamsburg... at first I got scared and though out loud "OH NO! I'M BEING INVADED" to which one turned around and gave me a look. I grinned. I did not have a problem with them until one decided to sit on the table and the other tried to surf in the laundry cart. I would have asked them "is this how you act at home?" but I already knew the answer would be "yes". I skipped on the question and with a firm voice I said "you can't sit on the table" and "you, get out of the cart now."... Of course I was in a bitchy/upset mood too but either way, they deserved it. I asked two of them to move to the other side so I can mop and one mockingly said "Oh sure!" to which I ignored and they were snickering but oh well. It was probably because of the comment I had made when they came in.

They thought they were being cute by prancing all over the laundromat but with a pair of scissors in my hand, I was tempted to stab an eye out... or at least their hand. I forgot to add, as they were entering, I felt as if I were in the Time Zone- hipster/yuppie style. Also, a bunch of them have moved into my neighborhood... I actually don't mind some of them since they ride bikes which means more parking spaces which means I don't have to search for an hour for parking. Guess there is a bright side.... with a bit of puke in my mouth.

On another topic, what is it with people and leaning against an active doorway? Two customers, on two different occasions, decided to lean on the door that allows access to the counter. Why would you do that? One customer, an immigrant from Afghanistan got scared because the door hit her on her back. I tried not to laugh but serves her right... she went and stood by it again... WHY!? The other customer decided to leave her baby in the carriage right behind the door... I must have hit the carriage 4 times before I told her something and she got the hint. Now I have to put a sign for that too.... COMMON SENSE PEOPLE, WORK ON IT... YOU CAN'T BUY IT BUT SERIOUSLY, WORK ON IT!